The past month has been hectic. Like a lot hectic. Not only the work stress but also the university stress for my MSc. Although, the workload is manageable, it gets to me all the time. Just today I got some time to breathe. There were assignments to complete and submit. I’ll be real, the assignments weren’t even complicated. Just simple implementation, running, collecting data and writing the report. All of which could’ve been done within 3-4 days. The assignments were given $1\frac{1}{2}$ months in advance, but I couldn’t even begin due to the on going workload. It became so busy at the office, but it’s something I expected.
Although the workload got a lot, it’s still manageable. Like I said, it’s something that’s genuinely manageable. Even when I have to start some assignments after lectures in the evening, I can still manage. But the problem comes when I want to take a break in-between my assignments. When I want to take a break from constantly looking at the screen. I can’t even do that coz the next available recreational “thing” I can do is watch TV or be on the phone… Which is utterly horrendous! I don’t want my attention to switch from screen to screen. I need it to change from intangible to something tangible. It’s suffocating to not be able to interact with something tangible. Now you might wonder “why not call your family? or call a friend?” (keep in mind I am living alone). Well, to that I would say… read the previous sentences again. Talking over the phone is as good as talking to a robot or AI generated voice. Long story short, the conversation ends when the phone dies, electricity goes, or network is down. It’s still intangible.
Having a roommate is not feasible right now. Marriage is a really viable option, and feasible, but (I’m gonna quote Howard Stark on this one) “I am limited by the technology of my time”. In a metaphoric sense of course. I don’t wanna make this blog more personal than it needs to be. If you know me in real life and I have told you why, then you know why, otherwise, don’t bother asking. It’s better to keep somethings to one’s self than to expose it and bring ruins to someone else. So yeah… roommate and marriage is out of the question, although the latter is a perfectly reasonable solution. Then again, I’m willing to be patient on this… let’s see if people stick true to their words and keep their promises…
In any case, switching topics for a bit, I haven’t been getting proper rest. I have been losing a lot of sleep from time to time, waking up at odd hours and haven’t even been able to stick to my proper bathing schedule! Which is crazy!!!!!! Like, at least I gotta keep myself clean! I don’t know how to get back that energy. Sometimes I wish to remain asleep and not wake up. Sometimes I am not able to recall a lot of recent memories. I am forgetting a lot of things. Speech impairment is subtle but there. I have been monitoring my tremors on the left hand, and so far it’s on and off. But there and not completely gone. I was awake for 27 hours straight. I had to be in the office though. I kept dozing during the work. My supervisor was kind enough to notice and told me to get some rest. I went to the car and slept for 50 minutes. Which helped a LOT! During this time, the amount of discombobulation was too much! I couldn’t tell if I was dreaming or physically present. It also felt like my body is responding and talking out of reflex. No thoughts behind what I was doing because my mind was like I have to sleep, but my body was just trying to keep a conversation.
Which brings me to say something important. For the past however many years of my life, I always used to have thoughts running through my head. I mean, a large portion of those thoughts were induced due to my psychosis. But, two years back I stopped my medication for psychosis because my mind became stable at that point. I still don’t hear voices like I used to. Now it’s just the regular inner monologues and chain of thoughts. Which I would say is normal. But recently, for two separate occasions (from at least what I can recall), my mind went completely quiet. Like no thoughts, no voices, no processing inputs from my ear, just completely blank and quiet. I only realized that once I “snapped back to reality”. It’s the first time I am experiencing something like this. I don’t know if that’s normal, because for a moment I felt bliss but at the same time it was so disorienting. I don’t know how someone can survive without having a single thought behind their brain.
I am not saying that I want my psychosis back. In fact I don’t want it ever! And I am not saying that I want a “stressful” life because that’s just insanity. But what I am saying is that the physical voices around is good to have in moderation. Well, everything is good in moderation. But being in that state of mind where I was unable to think, unable to process anything, was truly terrifying. I guess I will have to monitor it as time goes on. I just pray that it’s not anything serious. Speaking of tremors, my left hand’s twitching has become less frequent. Which is a good thing. But it looks like the times my hand twitches, it sticks around for longer and is more intense. I don’t know how this even started, but it’s something I noticed. And speaking of health issues, I am facing general diffused pain on my left side of the chest. Though it’s more towards the upper-left peck, towards the spleen area than towards the center. I have strong reasons to believe that it’s due to gas build up in the stomach and maybe general, improper sleeping postures. However, I am cautiously monitoring this relative to my diet.
Overall, when a new day begins, I wake up not because I want to, but because Allah has deemed it that I wake up and returns my soul to the body. That’s why I wake up. And I trust Allah above all. So if He deems it worthy to return my soul back, that means He has a reason for it. And He knows everything and Has knowledge of all. He is The Creator and The Sustainer after all… So when I wake up, I need to make my time worth it. Every time I sin, I make sure that I repent for it. Because if a day comes when I am unable to repent or be remorseful, that’s the day I know that I have lost everything. If my Creator leaves me, then I will be in utter loss and will have no way back. So, until my last breath, I will try my best to continue repenting, to try an behave well with others, to treat others with kindness, to give a helping hand to who ask for it (if I am able).
If you have met me in real life and have seen my bad side or have treated you badly, then I sincerely apologize as it was never my intention to behave like such. And I ask you not to associate my bad behaviour with those of a Muslim. Because, Muslims are perfect, but I am not. So if you need to blame someone then blame me for my mistake and not the entire Muslim nation. And this would go for anyone trying to insult someone. Don’t insult them because you may be indirectly (or even directly) insulting someone who is completely innocent.
If you have seen a good side of me, then that’s the version of myself I want to be. I want to be good. I want to be better. I want be a calm in people’s eyes without losing my integrity. But above all, I want to be a good person (the best I can be) in front of Allah. I need only His approval and His satisfaction for my life to move on.
I owe everything to Him. We all are in infinite debt to Him. And I am ever thankful to Him for what He has given me…. It’s more than what I could’ve ever dreamed of. Deep down, I am truly satisfied. Any complaints are more towards the people who have affected me and not to Allah! I don’t know what the future holds and I don’t know if I will be alive to experience it. But whatever it is I am, and will be thankful to Allah for giving me that experience. It could be a punishment or it could be a test. But whatever it is, I pray to You (Allah) that You grant me the strength and courage to pass it.
Take care of yourself and remember to treat others with kindness. Be humble and practice patience. Get rid of your ego and don’t be selfish. But remember, whatever you do, do it in moderation. For now… I am signing off….
– A A